


Melancholy Kaleidoscope

by Baby_Buu



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Author Projecting, Author has issues, BDSM, Being tied up, Blindfolded, Bondage, Depressed goku, Depressing, Dirty Talk, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Humilation, Light Bondage, M/M, Minor Humiliation, Open Relationship, Sad, Spanking, They make it worse, Weird, You've been warned, bulma tries to help, degration, hey Goku doesn't know anything about sex and they don't have The Talk, insecurites, inward shame, kakavege, low self esteem/self image, mental health, mentioned vegebul, oblivious vegeta, past gochi, sweet vegeta, tumblr: kakavege week, vegeta is king in the bedroom jkjkjk is a sweetie pie, weird sex stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:13:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24330097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baby_Buu/pseuds/Baby_Buu
Summary: Kakavege Week 9 2020 - Day 3 Prompt - InsecuritiesGoku and Vegeta have an arrangement, but Goku feels bad for getting more out of it than Vegeta.Heavily inspired by a scene from Feel You in my Bones by TeamDamon, read the notes
Relationships: Son Goku/Vegeta (Dragon Ball)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 58
Collections: Angst for Kakabeji





	Melancholy Kaleidoscope

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Feel You In My Bones](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22093213) by [TeamDamon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamDamon/pseuds/TeamDamon). 



> Insecure Goku is my kink, so I wrote a whole fic about him! As mentioned this story was completely inspired by a scene in Feel You in my Bones, and if you haven't read it yet I highly recommend it. 
> 
> This is probably the most self indulgent fic I will ever write. Please take a good look at the tags, could be potentially triggering, I don't shy away from how bad Goku feels even while they are having sex. If I read this it would probably upset me but i'm writing it so.... I don't know. I just want people to be careful with themselves. 
> 
> I asked a couple people what all I should tag for and hopefully got everything. Can tag for things I missed if needed tho.

  
  
Goku flushed as he panted and whimpered out Vegeta’s name. It was always the same. Vegeta forced him on his hands and knees, driving into him with wild abandon. Not that Goku minded that part, it was the fact that he was faced away from him every time. He habitually kept his gloves on, never touching him. So Goku assumed that Vegeta only wanted him because there truly wasn’t anyone else he could let go with. It did sting a little when he thought about it, so he had decided he just wouldn’t dwell on it.

He did feel bad that he enjoyed their encounters so much. He admired Vegeta’s looks and body for awhile before they started having sex and almost felt guilty since Vegeta obviously didn’t feel the same. How this all got started briefly flashed within his mind.

_“Kakarot Bulma says we should fuck.”_

_Goku who had just been taking a drink from a glass of water spit everywhere._

_“What why?” Goku sputtered trying to recover._

_Vegeta glared at the mess Goku had made all over himself._

_“You’re no longer with your woman, and Bulma physically can’t keep up with me and it’s starting to take a toll on our sex life. She suggested we ‘go at it like the animals we are’ to take the edge off." Vegeta fought furiously to look like he wasn't blushing._

It was so demeaning, and yet something pulled at him to pursue this possibility.The first time was awkward. It took them awhile to get used to each other, Goku kept fighting Vegeta’s lead but didn’t know what he was doing enough to be able to take charge. He was nervous about having sex with another man, but so taken in by Vegeta himself. He quickly found himself addicted, and the second time they were together went much smoother than the first. The initial issue Goku ran into was Vegeta wasn’t interested in pillow talk or cuddles. Goku left feeling slightly used, and for reasons he couldn’t pin point, less excited about the arrangement than he had been. It was the first of his concerns, but it wouldn’t be the last.

This time was different - Vegeta moved him so he was basically sitting in his lap but facing away from him still. Goku didn’t know what brought on the change, but it felt really good so he didn’t say anything against it. In fact, he seemed to be encouraging it if the noises and words coming out of his mouth were anything to go by.

Vegeta picked up the pace, causing Goku to cry out as Vegeta savagely pounded onto that sensitive spot inside of him repeatedly. Driving into him hard enough that it would break a human, causing him to release himself over himself and the bed. Vegeta followed quickly, roaring behind him. He quietly pulled out and allowed Goku to get into a more comfortable position laying on his back. Once Goku caught his breath he got himself cleaned up and left with a slight nod towards Vegeta, ignoring the gnawing feeling he always got in his stomach unfailingly every time he left.

Soon enough time had gone by that they had sex a few different ways but always with Goku facing away. Vegeta started to be more vocal during their encounters and started saying really rude and crude things to him. Goku didn’t know why but they really turned him on during so he never said anything. Afterwards he always felt really degraded. He started having nightmares where Vegeta stripped him and called him things like _ugly_ or a _slut_. Sometimes mixing in how much he hated him, he was a third class, and how Vegeta would defeat him. He’d often wake up and curl himself into a ball waiting for the sadness to pass.

The final straw came one day when Vegeta became extra aggressive. He used Goku's own sash to restrain him and pulled his shirt over his head so he couldn’t see. Vegeta struck him on his backside and told him how naughty he had been lately.

For the first time in Goku’s adult life he was crying. Vegeta was so repulsed by being with him he had resorted to this! There was really no one else he could use his full strength on and he was forced to be with Goku even though he really didn’t want to.

Goku felt disgusting and shameful. It wasn’t right, especially with how much he actually liked and cared about Vegeta. He tore through his restraints and ignored Vegeta’s protests as he used his special technique of instant transformation to the first place he could think of.

Bulma sat at the dining table in Capsule Corp. trying to avoid the awkward tension in the room. She wasn't sure exactly what was going on, just that Goku had disappeared in the middle of their _special alone time together_ crying. It had taken Vegeta a fair amount of time to find him, and even more time to convince him to come here. Vegeta had asked for Bulma's help, which she was willing to give as long as Goku was okay with it. 

“Are you sure you're comfortable having this conversation with me Goku?" She asked him, he wouldn't make eye contact with either of them. He certainly looked like he would rather be anywhere else right now.

Vegeta looked just as lost. “Kakarot, our arrangement was her idea in the first place. I thought you would have an easier time with her.”

Bulma tried to give him an encouraging smile. He still wouldn't look at them. 

“Goku if Vegeta tries something in the bedroom you’re not comfortable with, you can just tell him. I know he’s intimidating outside, but he would never want to make you uncomfortable on purpose in that setting.”

Vegeta stood awkwardly. She knew for a fact Vegeta didn't want to be here and must have been very freaked out in order to request a resolution so civilized. She nodded at him to go, which he looked grateful for and left quickly.

Goku stared at where Vegeta had been for several minutes. He seemed to finally process what she said.

“Uncomfortable?” He mumbled, sounding unsure what she meant.

“Vegeta said you might not have appreciated him slapping you on your um, bottom.” She finished sheepishly not sure if he wanted to talk with her about these things.

Goku still looked confused just shook his head.

“He said you might also have not appreciated him trying to go all _50 Shades_ on you with out warning. So maybe you should actually discuss what you both like some time?” She promoted. Goku continued to stare blankly.

“What positions you like, role plays, anything like that.”

She raised a brow noticing how everything she was saying was going straight over Goku’s head.

“Well why don’t we start with what you and Chi Chi used to do.”

Bulma thought that would be a good place to start.

“Me and Chi?” Goku questioned.

Bulma nodded. “When you were together. What all did you guys do?”

“Oh. Well we haven’t been together since before I died last time.”

Bulma felt a large bullet of sweat appear on her forehead.

“Goku that was almost a decade ago.”

“Yeah, it was awhile ago. But we had only done it a few times before that. What about you and Vegeta? How often do you guys...” he trailed off and started using his finger to draw random patterns on top of the table.

“Almost every other day. Goku we have sex regularly.”

Goku gawked at that.

“But we...”

“Weekly. I know.”

“I thought maybe you guys were really spaced out and that’s why he...”

Bulma nodded.

“We both have a pretty high libido, but nothing outrageous.”

“Bulma I’m not sure why we are doing this then.” He gestured vaguely at the both of them.

Bulma shot him a confused look.

“Goku Vegeta said he made you cry. I wanted to find out what he did so he doesn’t do it again.”

Goku frowned still seeming confused.

“Bulma I don’t understand.”

Bulma was also feeling very confused herself at the moment.

“What don’t you understand Goku?” She tried to ask softly.

Goku scratched the back of his head. He seemed to be considering his words. Maybe struggling with if he wanted to tell her something. She tried to smile at him encouragingly.

“I don’t know why you’re asking me what made _me_ uncomfortable when _Vegeta_ is uncomfortable with the entire arrangement.”

Bulma felt like her entire brain went offline and rebooted. In the past few weeks since the two men had started this set up, they had several extensive talks to make sure they were being transparent about the entire situation. An arrangement like this only worked if they trusted each other and were very open about everything. She did not get the impression that Vegeta was _uncomfortable_. If anything she was suspicions that Vegeta had a crush on Goku for awhile and her suggesting this was mighty _convenient_ for him and served his purposes just fine.

She shook her head to clear it and realized Goku was waiting for a response.

“I’m sorry Goku, why do you think that?”

Goku stared back at her like she was crazy.

“Why do I think what? Only everything he’s ever said to me and every second we’ve spent together.” Goku scoffed.

Bulma was literally speechless.

“Like today. Not only is he unable to look at me during, now he’s hiding my face. He’s so disgusted by having to have sex with me that he had to hit me! He always says really mean stuff to me too. He never takes off his gloves, it’s like he thinks I’m dirty or something!”

Bulma swallowed loudly. She wished she had a cigarette right about now. She decided to break that down.

“What do you mean he doesn’t look at you?”

Goku blushed. He looked embarrassed to have to tell Bulma all of this.

“He always makes me face away from him, usually down on my hands and knees.”

Bulma bit her lip to hold back a laugh. She could tell from the distraught look on Goku’s face that he was entirely serious.

“Goku when you and Chi Chi had sex were you always facing her?”

“Yeah. We only ever had sex the _normal_ way.”

The way Goku emphasized the word normal was all she needed to click everything in place.

“Goku do you not know about different positions?”

Goku blinked back at her.

“What do you mean positions?”

Bulma screamed internally. When she suggested Vegeta sleep with the other man she assumed they were all on the same page. That was obviously not the case.

“Oh sweetie. When people sleep together there’s a bunch of different ways they can do it and they all have different names. The way I assume you and Chi Chi were doing it is called ‘missionary’. When Vegeta had you get on your hands and knees it’s called ‘doggy style.’

“Oh.” Goku said lamely looking down.

“And you said he is mean to you?”

Goku nodded sullenly.

“What does he say exactly?”

“He calls me dirty and bad.” Goku whispered quietly.

“Those are normal things to say. Did you ever ask him not to say things like that to you.”

Goku shook his head, eyes widening.

“If you don’t like it he doesn’t have to keep doing it but he wasn’t saying those things to be mean. He probably thought you enjoyed it.”

Goku seemed to having trouble wrapping his head around that.

“As far as the gloves go he just likes to keep them on, they’re like a security blanket for him or something. It has nothing to do with you.”

Goku nodded, a little overwhelmed by all this information.

“And the other stuff he did today is normal too. Vegeta ties me up all the time and I really enjoy it.”

“You do?” Goku asked incredulously.

“Sure I trust Vegeta and know he would never hurt me.” She smiled at him comfortingly.

“So all the stuff he’s been doing is normal?” Goku asked cautiously. He looked like he was afraid Bulma was going to take back what she had been saying.

“Yes sweetie. Why did you keep seeing him if you thought he was so put off by you?”

It was then that she saw the blush on Goku’s face and she realized the truth.

“Oh Goku. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Goku mumbled out something that sounded like “-your husband...” and Bulma understood what he was getting at. Her heart broke slightly for her friend when she finally understood the big picture of what was happening.

“Listen I’m going to have a long discussion with Vegeta about what we talked about today. It sounds like there’s a lot about sex you didn’t know and should have an idea of before you continue.”

Goku nodded but didn't look confident about what she was saying. 

Bulma grabbed a bottle of wine to take with her to find her husband. After a second of hesitation she decided to grab two. This was going to be a difficult conversation.

Goku spent a lot of time by himself. He didn’t feel like training. He spent his time working the fields, hanging out with Goten, and helping Chi Chi with chores. She probably thought he was crazy. He hadn’t been this attentive when they were together. He knew she was curious but was polite enough not to pry. 

Goku thought back to when Vegeta had found him after he had ran away. He wouldn’t look at him. He spoke in a dry mechanical voice. Then he had left him to speak with his wife. That didn’t seem right, weren’t they supposed to discuss what they both enjoyed?

At first he felt better after his talk with Bulma. Then his doubts began to creep back in. The longer he went with out Vegeta checking on him the more he was convinced that he had been right all along. He was nothing but a convenience, offering himself up on a silver platter once a week. Now that he had stopped doing that, it was too much work for Vegeta to seek him out. Goku’s nightmares got worse. Now Vegeta mocked him for not knowing what he was doing. He was ruthless and cruel. Goku would wake up with tears stinging his eyes. He tossed and turned, mumbling to himself in his sleep. His old fears festering causing his wounds to to reopen, stinging and becoming raw once again. His anxiety and fears becoming stripped like a screw that had been tightened too many times. He would not be the one to approach Vegeta, he _couldn’t_.

Time stretched on. Each day that passed made Goku feel worse. He was miserable and was revolted by himself. He covered up all the mirrors in his home and stopped sleeping in the nude, suddenly uncomfortable with his own body.

After weeks turned into months, he received a package from Capsule Corp. it contained several items to help with _sexual education_. Goku blanched as he looked through the items. There wasn’t a note. He didn’t know if it this was Bulma or Vegeta’s idea. Either way the impersonal approach after how much time had passed really stung. He cried silently to himself as he tried to watch the video that was included. He was mortified at the idea that Vegeta thought he was so dumb he couldn’t just explain things himself. The video finished sometime with out Goku noticing. He fell asleep with the menu playing in the background.

He woke to the sound of a loud knock on his door. Goku sat up trying to remember what had happened. He was laying in bed fully clothed, including his boots and it was still light out. He had a head ache from crying earlier and his face felt crusty from the tear tracts that dried while he slept.

All in all he was in no mood for company. He decided to ignore them until they went away. A few minutes after the knocking stopped he assumed whoever it was went home, so he was startled when a large crashing noise was heard. A noise that sounded an awful lot like a door being broke down.

“Kakarot!” A booming yell was moving towards him.

Goku squawked in surprise and tried to get his bearings but was stopped by Vegeta entering his bedroom.

“Kakarot didn’t you hear me calling you?”

“What are you doing here?” Goku blurted out. This was too much for him to handle right now.

Vegeta studied Goku closely. He then looked around the room. His eyes widened when he saw the box they had sent him mostly unpacked by the foot of the bed.

Goku in the mean time regained his wits enough to realize he was very uncomfortable with Vegeta being in front of him. It had been months of constantly worrying what the other man thought of him. The package from earlier had only solidified his fears.

“I came to check on you, the woman was starting to get very worried.” 

Goku frowned and his face dropped. Of course Vegeta wasn’t worried about him himself.

“You can tell Bulma I’m fine, and thank you for the the package she sent me.” Goku gestured toward the box.

Vegeta glared at him. Goku just tried to smile brighter.

“Well it was nice of you to stop by, but I’m pretty busy.” Goku tried to gesture around vaguely hoping Vegeta would take the hint. He didn’t.

“Kakarot are you unwell?”

“I’m fine Vegeta, I’ve just had lots to do. You know how it is.” He chuckled awkwardly trying to think of anything to say but unable to come up with a good excuse.

Vegeta looked like he didn’t believe him and was about to say something else. Goku suddenly overwhelmed with everything walked over and began to push him out of the doorway towards the rest of the house. Vegeta began sputtering.

“Anyway it was nice of you to stop by!” Goku tried to keep his voice cheerful. Touching Vegeta even just on his shoulder was sending small electric shocks through his body. It made his heart ache. He needed Vegeta to get away as fast as possible. He wouldn’t be able to hold himself together much longer.

“See ya Vegeta!”

Goku did his best to put his door back in to place and high tailed it back inside. He went straight for the bathroom. Tears already streaming down his face, he turned the water on and immediately a sob escaped out of him. He slid down unto the floor and leaned against the tub.

That had been more humiliating than he expected. He didn’t realize but a small piece of him most have actually believed Vegeta cared about him. How silly of him, Vegeta would never-

“Kakarot?”

Goku looked over in horror to realize Vegeta was inside the bathroom looking down at him.

Goku’s eyes widened in absolute terror. He scrambled to stand up, but Vegeta had already stepped forward and grabbed him by the wrist.

“Kakarot what is going on with you?”

Vegeta was honestly bewildered by everything that had happened since he arrived. First he found him sleeping in the middle of the day, he looked like he had been crying. Then he had been acting so strangely. 

“Nothing I-“

“Do not lie to me Kakarot. I can feel your _ki_ , it is like whirlwind of emotions.”

Goku paused at that. He tried to wiggle himself free, but it was no use. Vegeta was holding him with a grip tight enough to break bones if he struggled. Eventually he gave up, defeated. He sank back against the sink, lightly resting on it.

“Come here.”

Vegeta led them back to Goku’s bedroom. He offered him a tissue, and went back to turn off the water. Goku's breath became more steady and he seemed to calm down a little. 

Vegeta came back in and they both looked down at the floor in embarrassment. He could only guess what Goku must be thinking. Vegeta for his part wasn’t sure how, but could tell he had made Goku upset somehow. Was it when he lied earlier? Perhaps that hadn’t been the right thing to say. Also Goku seemed to be under the impression the package was Bulma’s idea so had he messed up with that as well? He sighed. More baffling then all those things, why was the mirror in the bathroom covered up? Goku looked up over at Vegeta when he heard him sigh. He looked so fragile, and it was jarring for Vegeta to see him that way. He wanted to make everything right. 

“Kakarot.” Vegeta cleared his throat. Goku turned away.

“Bulma told me that you might have had some misconceptions about our arrangement.”

Goku said nothing. Vegeta swallowed. His tongue felt like sandpaper. He did not want to be doing this. He didn’t even know how!

“You are a formidable warrior.”

Vegeta knew immediately that he had said the wrong thing. Goku’s face looked absolutely crushed, more so than he had ever seen it before.

“What I mean to say is there is more to you than that.” Vegeta scrambled trying to fix the mistake he had made. It didn’t help.

“You don’t need to do this Vegeta.” Goku said softly as he wrapped his arms around himself. He looked young and vulnerable like that.

“Do what?” Vegeta asked, distracted.

“Lie to try to make me feel better. We both know it’s not really your thing.” Goku said dryly after a moment of deliberation.

Vegeta frowned at that. Just how low of an opinion did Goku have of him?

“I want fix this rift between us, so we can go back to how things were before.”

After everything they had been through, especially with them being the last two Saiyans Vegeta desperately wanted to make this right. Even if that meant they stopped having sex.

Goku frowned harder at that. “If you want to go back to having sex we can try again later maybe next week. I’m not up to it at the moment.”

Goku had misunderstood him. Vegeta was appalled at the implications.

“I don’t mean so that we can go back to fucking!” He yelled, startling Goku. “I mean your ridiculous fabrication about how I feel about you.”

Goku cocked his head and Vegeta realized what he said too late.

“Kakarot I, I’m no good at these things. You seem to be under the impression I was using you for your strength. As the only Saiyan alive no one else could withstand the full force of my might. And to an extend that is true.” Goku’s face darkened at the last part. “But that is not why I asked you.”

Goku looked up at him in confusion and Vegeta stepped forward. Vegeta was not a man of words but a man of action. So was Goku. If his words could not break through to him perhaps his actions would.

He grabbed a very surprised and confused Goku and pulled him into a hug. Goku sighed and rested against him, not returning the hug.

“If you never want to have sex with me again, we do not have to. But I do not want you to have all of these misconstrued ideas about me.” Vegeta spoke into Goku’s wild and messy hair.

“In the beginning I was obsessed with besting you. I blamed you for a lot of things that were not your fault. I was never kind to you. But things are different now.”

He pulled back enough so he was looking into Goku’s eyes. He moved slowly and deliberately so the other man would know his intentions and have plenty of time to move away if he wanted to. He didn’t. Vegeta kissed him slowly and softly. He could do this. He would get his point across.

“You are breath taking.” He kissed him slowly down his cheek and down to his jaw. Goku groaned against him. "Your body is like an exquisite piece of art."

“Your sounds ignite a fire in me I never knew existed.” He continued his assault down his neck, now licking in his quest.

Goku whimpered. He had to have been missing Vegeta’s attention, he was already a quivering mess. Vegeta continued to worship all the way down his body until he sunk to his knees on the floor in front of Goku. He raised a brow in question at Goku, who simply nodded. Remembering something Bulma said, Vegeta pulled back slightly and removed his gloves. He threw them on the floor, forgotten. Goku stared with wide eyes and Vegeta could see his breath hitch.

Vegeta moved forward, opened his sash, and slid his pants down enough to free his length. Goku gasped quietly as Vegeta softly began to stroke him with his bare hands and then his mouth. He stroked Goku’s leg lovingly when he whispered he was close. Once he was finished Goku tried to reach out to touch Vegeta over his battle suit, but Vegeta shook his head.

“No Kakarot, I wanted this to be just about you. Maybe I could show you how important you are to me.”

Goku’s eyes sparkled at that.

“Will you stay with me Vegeta?”

Vegeta nodded. They lay down on the bed together. It wasn’t night time still, but he could tell Goku was emotionally exhausted from everything that had happened.

When Goku woke up the next day Vegeta was still there. They got up and made breakfast together. After a little coaxing Vegeta explained that he had been the one who sent the box, he had been nervous about teaching the other man. They went through the entire box, and even watched the video together. Vegeta spent most of the day telling Goku what his favorite things were, and Goku told Vegeta what things he was excited to try.

Vegeta went back home and Goku took the week to put himself back together. He even felt well enough to take down the cover off his mirror. When their normal day to meet arrived Vegeta came over and Goku set up his room so it was a little more romantic. Decorated lavishly with candles and incense.

For the first time while they were together Goku and Vegeta faced each other. Goku refused to look away, even when Vegeta’s eyes were squeezed shut from sheer pleasure. He drank up every expression. He peered into Vegeta’s eyes like he was trying to determine every thought, like he was trying to gaze directly into Vegeta’s soul. And just this once, Vegeta allowed it all with out voicing any complaints. For once letting all his guards and walls down just so Goku could see what he meant to him. 

Afterwards Goku took some time exploring Vegeta’s body with his hands. He enjoyed the simple pleasure of Vegeta’s bare skin under his palm. He kissed his shoulders. He memorized the dips and curves of Vegeta’s taut muscles. He basked in the sighs Vegeta released from his touches.

When Vegeta finally left the overwhelming relief Goku felt did not go with him as he had feared, and for that he was grateful. As the week passed Goku became excited from all the new things he wanted to try, and no matter what, he wanted to be able to look at Vegeta during again.

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme know if insecure Goku is your kink too


End file.
